captain_cold (captain_cold) wrote in rogues_gallery,
captain_cold
captain_cold
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Eli’s Account of The Greatest Write-up Ever Told

Alright folks, what follows if the first part of my incoherent ramblings about possibly the greatest write-up our school ever gave out. I proofread this thing, but I’m sure it’s probably filled with mistakes. Anyway, here it goes.

PART 1: BACKSTORY AND OTHER USELESS INFORMATION

The story of our write-up begins all the way back in the summer of 2002. That’s assuming you don’t credit my severe emotional problems and many character flaws, which probably began much earlier. Anyway, that summer, I was taking a German class at Portland State. You see, I had to take classes during the summer so I could have an easy fucking schedule during the actual school year. It was also a nice excuse to not have a summer job. The thing about taking German during the summer is that it was incredibly easy, however, you didn’t end up being able to retain anything you learned because of the rushed nature of the summer class.

Anyway, because I really didn’t spend much time studying for the class, I had a lot of time to do fun shit. I would frequently drive up to Tacoma to hang out with Lee, who was living in a house with somebody else, I don’t even remember whom (character flaw). Anyway, We’ll get back to Lee and his mystery roommates later. Earlier in the summer, I think it was before my class started, I went down to OSU to help my friend Jack move. Jack had a couple of cool AirSoft Pistols. These things looked and felt like real guns, but shot harmless yellow pellets. Being a big time wanna-be gansta, I loved these things. I thought about how bitchin’ they would be the next year living with Lee, Ryan, Ax and Fred. So naturally, I went out and bought four of ‘em. (Actually I bought five, but the fifth one (the uzi) broke, so it doesn’t come into play here, so, for all intensive purposes, I had four handgun-looking toys). Anyway, I brought them and a target up to Lee’s one time, and they were a big hit, so, naturally, I brought them up to school when fall semester rolled around.

Now, with the five of us all living together, naturally we needed to have some sort of theme going on in our place. That theme was alcohol. Yes, we liked to drink a lot, especially me. If I’d see anyone else with a drink in their hands, I would say, “What?! We’re drinking tonight? Why didn’t you tell me?! This usually ended up in me being a bit to quite a lot drunk, while the other person, having given up after their one drink, would be doing homework. Now I wouldn’t say drinking affected my studies, because I most likely wouldn’t have done that homework anyway. I mean, I hate fucking homework! It was always some useless bullshit that I cared nothing about (character flaw again *sigh*), so I just didn’t do it. But this isn’t about me and homework (homework and I?), this is about being bad. The point I’m trying to make is this: There was a lot of fucking alcohol in our place most of the time.
Ok, I just Realized that a lot of people reading this might need some backstory, so it’s time to:

BACK THE FUCK UP!

Alright, most of the people I’ve mentioned so far, in fact all of them except Jack, go (went) to PLU, AKA Pacific Lutheran University. I won’t bore you with specifics, so here’s what you need to know. There is one room on campus that will facilitate 5 people in it, and we fuckin’ got it. It was a bitchin’ room, 5 bedrooms, 2 bath, a kitchen and a big ass living space. The best part is, MINIMAL RA INVOLVEMENT. Basically, you have to go out of your way to get written up. Now, with other colleges, I’m sure there’s been more extreme write-ups, but for ours, I think it was the best (at least without getting any of us kicked out of school). By the way, if you can believe this, alcohol is NOT allowed on campus.

Anyways, back to the story, (if you are still following, congratulations!). Besides the alcohol, I smoked a lot of weed. Now, sometimes it was with the guys, but most of the time it was by myself. I would smoke a little every night before I went to bed, it just felt so… Good! Anyway, after everything, people said that because I smoked it every night, I had a problem with weed, but I’ll get to that later (how about that, a cliffhanger. Who said it, was it one of my friends, or just some stupid douche-bag).

Ok, so, so far we have weed, alcohol, and toy guns in our apartment. Now, I’m going to flashback to the summer of 2002. Why didn’t I mention this shit earlier when I was talking about the summer you might ask? Well, because I forgot about this shit, of course, and because I have a degree in English, and I know that if things are hard to follow, most likely they are genius.

So during the summer, Kristin, Ryan and I went up to Tacoma to visit Lee. We were going to go camping at a campsite called ‘The Promised Land’ in the town of Humptulips (That’s right Hump-Two-Lips. I know its humor on a base level, but I fuckin’ like it). Anyway, while we are camping we all got drunk, except for Ryan, well, all I know, he was sober enough to drive… We decided it was time to get some fuckin’ road signs. I mean, we are out in the middle of nowhere, whose gonna care, right. We got a Highway 101 sign and one that said ‘Donkey Creek Road.’ We somehow ended up with a couple others, but these are the only two I remember actually getting. So naturally, when we went back to school, we hung them up in our apartment.

Also during that summer, Lee worked for the Humane Society. There he met two ferrets that were to be put to death. I don’t know if it was supposed to be hanging or electrocution, but I do know Lee couldn’t bear to see them die. He adopted them, and they joined us the next year in the five-person apartment that we affectionately called ‘The Penthouse.’ (Get it, Pent = 5, Ah Hell, you got it). Did you know that we aren’t allowed to have pets in our apartment?

Ok, back to the school year, we got, alcohol, pot, fake guns, road signs, and pets. I think its time to move on to: Part 2: THE NIGHT OF THE WRITE-UP.
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