Ok, so, now that I get to this part of the story, I realize (in true sucky-storyteller fashion) that I don’t remember many of the details of the actual night. Anyway, I’ll throw it together as best as I can.
Anyway, the night started out somewhat normal. A bunch of us started drinking. I believe that I was doing vodka and redbull shots, but I can’t say for sure. So I get pretty lit up and we decide to walk up to the deli where Lee is working. I just want to mention this right now, I did not smoke weed at all this day. Ok, so I’m fucking drunk already and don’t remember much about this part, but apparently I was being a real fucking asshole (character flaw / emotional problems). Apparently I was giving Lee a bunch of shit because he wouldn’t serve any alcohol to the minors who were with us. I think the deal was that when you’re fucked up, you want as many other people as possible to be fucked up with you, so from my asshole perspective, if the others couldn’t drink, then we were wasting our time there.
So we have been there for a while, I believe I ordered a pizza, but forgot about it, so everyone else ended up eating it. Now they definitely pulled some kinda magic trick on me, because all of a sudden they were all gone. I can’t say I blame them, because apparently I was acting like a dick. So I walk home, and when I get back to our apartment I meet up with our friend Karl. He doesn’t know where anyone is, and I don’t know where anyone is, so after a couple beers (I think) we decide to go back up to the deli and see if they have returned.
Now then next part I don’t actually know for sure because I was blacked out from all the booze, hell, for all I know none of it even happened (yeah I wish), but I will draw from what Karl told me. During the long (2 block) walk there I decide I have to take a piss. Well, it was probably more of a fact then a decision, however if I had been in more control, I might have realized that we were within 100 yds of the deli, which had a bathroom. I was drunk and stupid however, so I decided that pissing on a car in a parking lot would be better. Now our school hires off duty police officers to drive around our campus, and keep a look out for car thieves, and whatnot. Unfortunately, when I was pissing, there was one parked quite near, so this cop had a front row seat to watch me take a piss on a car. He didn’t seem to find the humor in it, so he got out and began to talk to us.
Memory Flash: I remember suddenly realizing I was in the back of a cop-car. I noticed that I wasn’t handcuffed, so I thought about making a run for it. I realized that was fucking dumb, as they had probably already looked at my ID, and were questioning Karl who was being an outstanding citizen by only telling them the truth. It was no wonder I was in the back of the car, I was reportedly being a dick to the cop, and was probably too drunk to give any useful information.
Now, if we were lucky, the cop would have said, “Oh, you’re both over 21, this guy in the car has had too much, take him home and put him to bed.” We were not lucky. The cop calls campus safety and 6 campus safety people come over to take control of the situation. They ask us if there is any alcohol in our rooms. I apparently say “No, ‘CAUSE I DRANK IT ALL,” while Karl admits that there is. The 6 campus safety officers are going to take us to search our rooms. Now, if we had been remotely lucky, the cop would have realized that he was unneeded at this point and gone on with his patrol. We were not remotely lucky. He decides to come with us.
They first search Karl’s room, which for some reason had very little alcohol in it. They pour it out and write notes for their report. Then we moved on to my place, the Penthouse, home of the broken policy.
The first thing they see when they come in, is our toy guns on the coffee table. We legitimately thought that there would be no problem with having these on campus, being that they are toys, and can’t possibly hurt anyone, hence, why they were sitting out on the coffee table. We were wrong. I notice everyone’s voices get louder and a little more tense. “We’ve got four firearms sitting out in plain sight, they say.” I explain to them that they are toys; they examine and find the same.
I won’t go into too much detail about the search, because if you read the first part, you should have some idea of what they found. I will mention a few things though. First of all, at this point, I was the only one there, and even though I didn’t give them permission (they probably don’t need it, but asked anyway) to search the other guys’ bedrooms, they did so anyway. Keep in mind that there are 6 campus safety guys, and a cop, all to keep an eye on me, who has been sitting on the couch the whole time. (Overkill?). According to their report, they searched my bedroom and found explosives (AKA an unopened pack of legal fireworks I had been saving. I kid you not though; in the report it was explosives. HANDGUNS AND FUCKING EXPLOSIVES!! WHAT AM I AL-KEIDA OR SOME SHIT??!!) Anyway, they didn’t find the pot, or the pipes, or the 3-foot bong, yay! Not yay. They decided that I had to be hiding more stuff, so they were going to search my room again. THAT RIGHT, MY ROOM IS FUCKING IRAQ, SO MORE SEARCHES MUST COMMENCE. Anyway, they found the weed and pipes. Now, a cop is not allowed to search your place without a warrant. He is however allowed to sit there while his campus-safety lap-dogs bring him everything they find. So the normal campus policy when they find a bit of weed is that the school punishes you, and the cops are not called. Unlucky me, Mr. Cop is in our apartment already and the campus safety guys seem almost giddy when they present him with the find. I am technically arrested, but the released to my home. AKA nothing happened, except on paper I was arrested.
Some words about the cop. I can’t decide if he was nice or being a dick. On the one hand he should NOT have been involved with the apartment search, and he was yelling at me constantly the whole night. He kept pointing to things and yelling “IS THIS STOLEN??!” and basically doing dick cop kinda stuff. On the other hand, he didn’t charge me with public urination, after he arrested me, he released me to the apartment, so I wouldn’t have to go to jail, and he didn’t charge us anything for the stolen road signs.
So here we are. I have just gotten myself and my friends in trouble with the school, and got myself in trouble with the law as well. Isn’t life beautiful? I tell you, you think a hangover is bad? Imagine a hangover, plus all this happening the night before, plus all your friends being pissed at you not only because you got them in trouble, but because you were being an ass the night before, imagine all of that going on and having to call your parents and tell them what happened, and that you might need a lawyer. Imagine a sentence that goes on forever.
Anyway, (and I know I say that a lot), I’ll finish up this story in PART 3:THE AFTERMATH
Bonus story: We had a shopping cart in our apartment that we used to move our stuff in and out as well as for taking out trash and recycling. Anyway, I had unscrewed the handle and scraped off the paint that said “Marketplace” and placed a small piece of paper with our room number on it. So during the raid of our apartment, the cop yells “IS THAT SHOPPING CART STOLEN?!” one of the campus safety guys say “No, it has their room number on it.” And they leave it be. Heh, score one for me.